UPON REFLECTION

​The motions I could not bear
sick by the meaninglessness of drawing breath
I had made my way to hell
by choice and not by sin
but was not prepared to face my demons awaiting there
then my mind became a palace of torture
and I did take pleasure
in thinking myself wrong
for I conceived myself as though by damnation legitimate
without being able to fathom the thought
that truth is without sorrow
thus I rushed through life in trying to escape the pain
and I groped my way through the darkness
and cursed and blamed when light did not come
for I let myself be quenched by fear and despair
and was run by the impulse of resistance
in the world I saw the same
not knowing it was a reflection of myself
O the anguish! O the tension!
O the sleepless nights!
O the nightmares I believed true!
I had to plunge into the abyss
to come out the other side triumphant
I had to dream the dream of existence
to wake up to its illusory nature
then when I was ready to surrender my sorrows
and my vow to uphold them in the world
then did the light pierce me
only to show me
myself as its creator and keeper!